Taking in the sights.

Taking in the sights.

Walking around the city of Praha I am able to see all sorts of things that I either would not see or have not yet seen in the states. I am not going to talk about all of the usual things one might see when they are on a tourist trip to Praha. I am here to talk about the people and the things they create for me to check out. It is cool to see all of the different ways people have of expressing themselves through the things they own, the things they do, the dogs they walk, the clothes they wear, their hairstyles, etc… Just about everyday I am entertained by something that I see. Hanka thinks I am retarded. According to the standards set by what I see as the status quo in this place, I am. I will say, that in no way do I hold myself above or below these people or where they live as the tone of this chapter (and some others) may indicate. I am merely expressing the thoughts I have on the matter relative to the differences between to what I am accustomed and the world in which I now exist. Bullshit. I look down on these ex-commie serfs and spit on them when they don’t get out of my way, kick their stupid little dogs and fart as I pass them by. There is a reason we let Stalin ‘liberate’ their polluted, dirty little country anyway, it sucks. Damn, my sense of humor has gotten even more demented since I arrived here.

Praha is really just like any other big city in the world. Full of people going everywhere, doing everything while trying to stay in their own little world emerging only to conduct business and retract themselves to the place of comfort from whence they came.

The mass transit system here is so well developed that it is used by a very large part of the population. It is quite efficient, as I have stated in a previous chapter. I love to drive cars, however I would only own a car here to leave town for trips. The mass transit is the main reason for this but also, driving on these roads can be maddening. There are streets going in just about every direction from most intersections. Vertigo. Some are narrow. Some are wide. Some are cobblestone. Some are asphalt. Some have large unrepaired potholes that would consume an entire car, let alone a tire. Many street names change after an intersection even though the street continues through the intersection in the same direction. The directional signs are sometimes in random places. The street signs (this one was puzzling to me until I figured it out) are on the buildings, are only on one of the buildings on the intersection and to make things more interesting, they are positioned flatly against the building so that you must be able to read really fast as you drive by and then two wheel the turn just in time to make it on to the street to which you were headed. You sometimes have to go to the next intersection to figure out which street you are on. It is petty ridiculous. I have realized that people here must be born with some sense of the layout of the streets, perhaps through some kind of wak (I’m sure ‘wak’ has made it into the dictionary by now, and I refuse to spell it grammatically correct as I have seen some do because this word is in no way proper English) prenatal programming, one that is, I am sure, already in use to teach the language. A funny little side note on the street signs is that back in 1968, when the Soviets rolled into town to show that they were the so called “daddy” and officially end what was known as ‘the Prague spring’, the Czechs went around the city and took down all of the street signs so that the Soviets would not know where they were going. Commies everywhere, lost. HA! Take that commie bastard! The only real consistency on the roads is that there is a multitude of really bad drivers on them. I am ALWAYS looking around when crossing the street. Right-away or not I consider myself a target in what is a daily game of survival.

Alright, that being said, I am going back to mass transit. Aside from the nose curling sour smelling homeless people that ride around to get warm, this is a great way to check out a large number of different members in society. Airports and malls have nothing on the mass transit system here when it comes to people watching. When watching, I find that it is interesting that people really avoid eye contact. This is not to say that I am trying to enter into a stare down with someone show my dominance in the pack, it is just that when I am scanning the crowd for the next subject of my amusement, eyes are quickly turning away. I am probably being observed in the same way. I am sure that my status as foreigner is obvious to the point that I probably have a neon sign above my head flashing ‘yank’ or whatever the Czech equivalent term for ‘stinking American’ would be.

The only exception to date happened recently in the Flora metro (subway) station. As I was riding down the escalator I made eye contact with some lady on her way up. This lady was not about to let go. The look in her eyes was vicious. If we were in the wild, there would have been an attack, a battle for ‘alpha’ of the pack with me as the loser. This gaze was some scary shit. But because of some masochistic side of me, I had to keep staring. I wanted to see how long this thing would last. He was in it to the end. I was too lazy to turn my head (Voit genes). Some might say; “Dude, she was totally checking you out!” No way. The way I look these days, that is impossible. Two months of advanced level inactivity coupled by only a handful of days where I could get some sunlight, have me looking like a cross between some kind of crackhead and a vampire with a little bit of cancer patient thrown in just for color (or lack thereof).

One thing that sticks out like a sore thumb to me is what people do with their hair. The styles are not really so bad as is the color that people put in their hair. This is to say with the exception of one of the mullet variants. The variant of which I speak is the ‘dread mullet’. The ‘drullet’, as it is called, is where the hair on the back of the head, and only the back, is a knatty cluster of bug infested hair that hangs to halfway down the back or as far as the waistline. Somehow, the Czechs have found a way to take a rather unsightly hairstyle and make it look worse. I have seen some drullets that have only three, four or five logs hanging off of the back. Sometimes the drullet can be of the ‘log-less’ variety. The drullet is just amazing to me. I had the priveledge of viewing a spectacular specimen of the log-less variety just the other day. Everything on this guy’s head was short (except, of course, the back) and basically well kept. The thing that blew me away here was this mullet was multi-colored. As a matter-of-fact, this guy’s whole face was multi-colored. Alright then, check THIS out, dude had a ‘billy’(chin hair only) that was dark brown and full. The top of his head was a gold-blonde color. The sides of his head were more of a bleach-blonde color. Everything on the backside of his head was a brown color. I was trying SO hard not to stare at this guy. I was losing the battle. I was kicking myself for not having my camera. I would have paid this guy for a picture. Cash money. Some go through their whole lives without seeing a sight such as this. Here I am, lucky as hell, and no camera.

OK. So now that I have opened the topic of hair color, I will say this. There must be something in the water here, or some kind of strange disorder of the hair follicle people can contract, that causes peoples hair to change all kinds of different shades of red, orange and purple. I have never experienced such a mass amount of bad hair color in one place in my life. Most of the colors that people put in their hair here are the most unnatural of shades. Now I understand that sometimes these shades (with the exception of purple) in minute quantities, and less intensity of color, can be perhaps a nice accent to a base color, but what I see here is ridiculous. I have even seen cases where people have taken an unnatural shade of red and highlighted it with an even more unnatural shade of orange, or copper. This is not one particular sect in society. So many women are doing this, young and old. Sometimes you look to the celebrities to see if this is a trend started by them. No. Not here. Celebrities are all either blonde or dark haired with no second colors. Nope, the masses have come up with this one all on their own. After seeing so much of this, I realize that this actually looks good to these people. Man, that realization made me feel a little out of place. No one in Hanka’s family has yet contracted this disorder so at least my eyes are spared at home. Although I will say this, I saw a box of hair color in the bathroom the other day, I think the color was, in Czech, ‘unreal red’. I immediately questioned Hanka about this hoping that she was not preparing to fully immerse herself in Czech culture, thereby causing the immediate end of our relationship. It turns out that it was her mothers. Hanka made sure to give her mom the 411 on that stuff. Whew!

Another amusing thing people here like to do is dress themselves in all kinds of ridiculous outfits. It is as if they have no better way of saying: “hey world, look at me”. Well I am looking, even if the world is not, and I am laughing my ass off. One really basic fashion statement here is to buy some ugly ‘high fashion’ boots that go at least as high as mid-calf and turn up the cuff of your pants so the bottom of them is about mid-calf thereby showing the world that you have ugly boots on your feet. You see, if you buy some boots that cost half of your monthly income, you don’t want to hide them underneath you pants do you?

I saw a woman that had this look going on in the metro station the other day. Her boots were white. I could see them. All of them. The rest of her outfit was all different shades of seafoam. Any one shade of seafoam is bad enough, there was about four on this one. She had on what Hanka calls ‘party glasses’ (party glasses: very light tinted one piece lens sometimes decorated with fake gemstones) and a hat that was, you guessed it, seafoam. If only I could tell you that her hair was also seafoam. That would be no shock for reasons already stated, but I was a little disappointed that she decided to color her hair a rather normal bleach blonde color. She was talking on her cell phone(they all are) and trying to look as high fashion as she could. Hanka is all about the whole Czech thing. If she comes home looking like this, I am out. I will be on a plane missing one shoe because I will not be able to retrieve it from her butt it will be so deep.

Hanka and I saw this guy dressed up in what Hanka calls the ‘party outfit’ (party outfit: stupid ‘euro-look’ outfit worn to a club) on his way to the club. The party outfit that this guy was wearing was something I need to get for myself. Dude had pitch black (dyed) hair-short and spiked, party glasses, a bullshit fashion sweat jacket that went just to the waistline of his tight jeans that were rolled up snugly just to the top of his black Chucks. Damn, Chuck Taylor Converse over here and on the fashion scene. I can feel myself pulling up a loogey already. ‘Captain, target is in sight! Fire!!!’ There was about six inches of snow on the ground at the time. Nothing like dancing in wet Chucks. What a tool.

I am thinking that ‘Chuck’ and ‘Miss Seafoam’ would make a perfect match. As a matter of fact, they probably hooked up that night.

Mini-skirts in winter. Ok look, I appreciate the year-round gratuitous leg shot, but it is cold here in the winter. This, to me, is some serious trailer park-like shit. I have not yet seen the Czech equivalent of a trailer park but they must have one. The defined origin of such a behavior is a trailer park. I am from Kentucky, I know about these things. The knowledge is imprinted in me the same way as the innate sense of direction and the language is in the Czechs.

I have been going to some sports bars to watch the NFL (MFL for those in the know) late night. There are a few bars in the center of the city (the mostly tourist and international part) that show the games live and don’t close until the final whistle blows. The Denver/New England game that ended at 6 AM was a little tough. Anyway, leaving the bar late night is always interesting because you see more of the seedy underbelly of the city. Drunk people (the norm for anywhere) speaking english, but with a british accent, food vendors selling their goodness (see chapter on food stuff), drug dealers etc… What is strange to me is at 3 or so AM the center of Praha could be any major city in the states. Almost all of the people out are speaking English. Drunk are the people stumbling around slinging catsup or mustard from their recently purchased sausages that are gripped tightly in their hands as they wave their arms wildly trying to stay upright. Covered with condiments is the clothing of the unlucky who happen to be standing close-by. The guys slinging drugs are black, holding down street corners and carrying on like whatever they are talking about is the most important thing ever. When they approach you, if you don’t want anything, they will offer to show you to a ‘great bar with a lot of really nice girls’ (translation: Strip bar with hookers). I have been out this late for each night of the NFL playoffs and not yet have I seen a cop.

If there is ever a place where the police have hardly any presence, it is Praha. There are not that many, and, according to the press, the numbers are getting smaller, probably because the pay sucks and they get no respect. Well, to be honest, there is no real major crime of which to speak here. Pickpockets, the occasional drunk wandering into a bar and passing out(which is no real crime except that one really sour smelling bum can clear out a place in a minute) and petty theft on the blue collar level, and all kinds of corruption on the white collar level is all you hear about. It seems that there is much more corruption here than in the states but in reality, they just are not as good at covering it up as Americans. Also, considering the amount of corruption in all of the other former Soviet Union countries, Praha is Utopia.