A word about Easter

A word about Easter.

The Czechs are not an overly religious people. As a matter of fact, they are hardly religious at all. Ironically, there are beautiful old churches all over the city, remnants of the Holy Roman Empire. Some people do use them for religious purposes. Most sit on the benches outside and drink beer. The thing is that their faith lies in a more personal way, not so much the ‘you better go to church or you will go to hell’ way as many like to believe in other parts of the world. They might not believe in the so called ‘God’ of Christianity, but they do have spiritual beliefs. Makes sense that this would be the case as this area was the birthplace of the prodestant religions.

Allow me to give you a brief summary of key events in the history of religion here, in ebonics:

Ahh-ite denz. Firss days was Celts all up in niss piece. Denz like sumpin roun da sit senchuree dem Slav muhfukkuz dropped all down hur an said ‘Iss piece izz sum shit an wut not’, and the peeps said ‘Word up!’. Deez Slav bitches wuz pagan, fo reel doe.

Time rolled out for uh while. Den in ate-sitty-tree, when this bitch wuz all up inst da Great Moravian Empire, iss niggah Rastislav brot up eez two Byzantine bitches dat sprayed iss piece wit all kinds uh Christian gospel. Methodius, wun dem Byzantine bitches, got all dead and shit an afta dat dem racist Roman Catholic crakkuz started to roll up.

By diss time da Great Moravian Empire got they bitch asses dismantled. Sum bruthuh named Borivoj (Boris), niggah kawled himself a prince an shit, hollahd ‘Premyslids bitches!’, and ney had demselves uh dynasty an shit. Iss niggah took his pagan-ass Czech bitches and Christianized the shit out ubbum.

Christianity got dey swole on tru da forteemph senchuree. Muhfukkuz wuz lorge.

Den, iss muhfukkuh kawld Jan Hus (John Huss, fo English speekin bitches), who wuz da head uh Charles University at da time, wuz feelin the vibe offuh John Wycliffe and hollahd at dem Catholics. He wuz sayin sum shit like, ‘Step correct, greedy ass bitches’, and ‘Yawl aint spuritchewull no mo. Yawl jus greedy an keepin shit, material ass bitches’. Some yers later, iss niggah Martin Luther would shout ‘Word up!’. Hus, Wycliffe and Luther, deys wuz pretty much daddys tew da Prodestant religion an shit. Straydup!

Well, Rome got AHWL pissed an shit cuz deys wuz livin lorge an dint wunt nobody fuckin up dey shit. So, in 1415, ezz Roman crakkuz peepd Hus to Rome an strayt hung that bitch. All diss cuz deys wuz pissed about diss niggah teachin native tongue to native peeps at uh native skool. Bitches tryin to cover, oppress an flex like da Bush administration.

Da x-uhkyooshun, an duh fakt dat dem Catholic bitches wuz all persuhkyootin an opressin thuh Hussites, made Hus’ peeps say, ‘Mayn, HAYULL naw’, an rise up an get they rampage on in 1415. See, Hus had uh posse, an like, deyz wuz thuh firss Prodestants an shit.

See shit wuz about to get awl fucked up kuz awl da Czech kangs wuz Catholic like uh muthuhfukkuh, an duh peeps haint cool widdit so much.

Nigguz wuz gettin pissed at duh stayt of ufferz. So iss gangsta Jan Zelivsky scooped up on his posse an deeyid wut dey kawld uh throw-out or ‘Defenestration’, which meenz ‘from the window’ if yooz bein all littural. Eez niggaz rolled strayt up inst new town hall an trew uh kuppul uh Catholic bitches strayt out thuh window. Fresh err an shit. Dat wooddint be nuffin sep deyz wuz dee udduh haff da gang outsyde da window wit pointed stix fo doze Catholic bitches to land all down up onst. True dat.

Meanwhile, Jan Zizka wuz iss uthuh G, an he rolled out wit uh posse kross thuh land strayt kickin gang signs and fuckin anything Catholic strayt up. Fo foteen yerz eez Hussites wuz rollin kross thuh land kickin shit up.

Eez Hussites thot deyz all bad an wutnot cuz dey finally got deyz only kang, Jiri z Podebrad (George from Podebrad), in 1458. Ol’ Jiri wuz axsepted by thuh church, an shit started to chill.

Da Catholics wuz rollin tizzolerant of Prodestant shit and dint see dat Prodestants wuz getting dey swole on an shit. Thuh Prodestants wuz sum dumassez doe. In a decision to not step correct, dey had dem selves uhnuvvuh troe-owt in 1618. Eez bitches out da windows on pointed stizzyz wuz an akshun dat storted da 30 yers war. In Prague, niggaz wuz ryzin up and da Catholics had tuh stomp dey asses in 1620 at the gang war of Bila Hora (atz White Mountain an shit). See, duh Hussites wuz sum bad muthuhfukkuz an shit but deyz tue many Catholics fo umm. The Catholics flexed an made dem Prodestant bitches recognize, by x-uhkyootin da gang leaders all up inst ol town skwer on Jizzune twizzenny-fizzy, sitteen-twenny.

Prodestants, OUT. Fo now.

Shit went on, and with da Hapsburg family all up inst da heezey, Catholicism wuz set troo da nynteemph senchuree.

In 1918, after da fawl uh da Austro-Hungarian Empire and the Hapsburgs, da Czechs got deyz own kuntree an shit. Czechoslovakia wuz born an deyz wuz all happy an shit.

Den Adolf Hitler’s racist ass rolled all up inst iss piece. Niggah wanted mo land an some shit like stompin out sum peeps dat dint fit his immidg of wut muhfukkuz wuz postuh be lyke. Baysikkally to eliminayt any non krakker bitches. Now Judaism got to diss piece in da temph senchuree but dey pretty much stayd tue demselvz an handuld dey own biddniss. Hitler’s bitch ass pretty much stomped out dey shit her.

A massiv world posse kawld thuh Allied Forces broke sum shit off in Hitler’s ass and dat chicken shit pilled his own cap. You wood think dat shit would chill out but mayn naw. Iss Communist piece of shit named Josef Stalin asked thuh Allied Forces if dayz wood chill at thuh border uh diss Czech piece and let him roll up an ‘liberate’ and shit. Dum ass Allied bitches sed word to dat an strayt sat on dey asses while Stalin mayd shit look all lyke he was liberatin an shit. Poser. See da Czechs was already holdin Hitlers ass in check anyway. Aftuz da liberation, stupid ass Czechs voted thuh communists in to power in deys government and da Soviet Union flossed an rolled all over iss bitch sayin iss izz arr shit you workin fo us now. And wuts mo, no religion, you bitches caynt beleev in nuttin. Da Czechs wuz fucked fo a little wyle longer.

Come 1989 and shit came strayt to a point. Da Czechs strayt stepped to da Commie bitches and sayd we wants arrz shit bak. Yawl toe down at wawl, yawl givin us arrz shit bak. An ney deeyid.

From herr on out sit wuz cool an da Czechs are, fo real doe, agnostic. Dey beleev in wut deyz wuntz annatz da strayt troof. Word.

Thank you.

Now back to my easter thing. Being basically agnostic, easter is not celebrated for it’s religious traditions as much as it is a celebration of men being able to weave the most elaborate braided ‘switches’ -Far more elaborate than the ones used to reprimand me when I was growing up. I mean when it came time to lay into my butt, mom was all business, no frills- and then go about the town and spank all of the women on their butts with them. If I have read correctly, this is rooted in some kind of fertility rite where men are wishing fertility on the women. I laughed at this. What it basically boils down to is this: Grab some switches, braid them, tie a ribbon on the end, and go around the town looking for any and every girls butt you can whip. If you are old enough, throw in between 1 to 12 half liters of beer and the occasional shot of homemade liquor (usually slivovice, which is like gasoline made from plums) and through your numbed senses really whip the hell out of some butts leaving welps and bruises. I have no idea why all of the women don’t plan some kind of mass trip to some place else for this time of year. Must be masochists. I got to spank 2 butts myself. It was fun. I was nice, cause I don’t drink. But boy if I did, Hanka would have trouble sitting to this day.