Bi-polar Crack Den

With the desire to get away to the mountains again, we head to the town of Liberec (LEE-ber-ets) in the low mountains in the north for the weekend. We have been there once before, in the winter to ski. We decide to catch a bus from Praha to Liberec which will cost us 70 Kč ($3.50) and have us there in a little over an hour. I can’t say enough how cool it is to be able to get around the country like this and not have a car. If there is a town in this country, a bus will go there or at least somewhere near. And, for the most part, you ride with normal people (unlike the companions one might have on a similar trip using Greyhound in the states).

We arrive at the bus station to purchase our tickets. Usually, you can purchase tickets from the bus drivers themselves, but because there was a ticket window in our faces, we decided to use it. The price turned out to be 10 Kč more expensive than what we thought it would, which we soon realized to be just fine considering the bus on which we were booked.

Normally, the state supported travel busses are nothing more than a city bus set up for longer travel (overhead rack to put your bags). Sometimes these things can be real pieces of shit, sometimes they are nice. They are always clean and safe. The bus we rode on this time was a brand new deluxe tour bus set up for long term travel. It was sweet. We actually purchased a ticket from a private transit company by accident. This is the reason the bus was so nice. This bus was great! We were pimpin’, Czech tour bus style. It was like traveling on an airplane, without ever leaving the ground. Complimentary coffee or tea (instant, of course), newspapers and periodicals and all delivered to your seat with a friendly smile. Only problem that I could find came to me as a realization while I was listening to the whirring of the instant coffee/tea machine producing the passengers libations. The whirring was acting as a dual sound effect. One was the sound of the coffee machine, the other, the sound of the instant coffee produced log that wanted its’ way out, badly. It is kind of a sick joke to offer coffee on a road trip in a tour bus with no toilet. I was ready to spackle the inside of the bus by the time we arrived in Liberec. It wasn’t until we got off of the bus that I noticed the toilet, which was accessed through a small door, hatch really, in the stairwell. If I’d have seen it sooner-BOOM!

Liberec is a nice little town with a population of 97400 people (2005 census), situated in a valley on the western side of the Jizerský Hory (YEE-zer-skee Mountains), which are just west and slightly north of the Krkonoše Hory (KRK-oh-no-sheh Mountains), the highest range in the country.

We disembark from the bus and start on our walk to the office of the rental company to get the keys to where we will be staying. The directions to the rental office have been given in the usual Czech style, vague as hell. If you don’t know what I mean by Czech style, see ‘Boomin’ ‘an shit”. The walk is not far, but we easily double the distance in trying to find the place. The directions are given to Hanka in the Czech style, and then they are passed from her to me in the Czech style-layer 2. Maddening. The ‘obvious’ location of the rental agency is actually hidden across a used car lot and behind a fence. Oh yeah, right in front of our faces. After getting the keys and paying, we are given directions to the place where we will actually be staying. More directions, SHIT! Well, these turn out to be reasonably understandable. Well, except the fact that we were told to catch either tram numbers 5 or 11. What we weren’t told, was that trams 5 and 11 weren’t running. After a short walk, we find the main mass transit station and locate the stand where the trams will pick us up. Up rolls a bus with the number X11 and a destination on the front of it. Knowing an 'X' in front of a transit line number means that it is a substitute, I grab Hanka and go to get on the bus, but encounter some resistance from her. I swing around to find out what I have done, and she informs me that this is not a tram. Really? What gave you that idea? Is it the fact that it’s not attached to a power line; the fact that it is on wheels with tires that are resting on the road instead of rails; or maybe it’s just that it looks like a bus and not a tram? Maybe all of the above. Whatever it is, I now have to get off of this bus that we need to catch and go look at a tram that I have previously inspected and determined is obviously not the right one. “But the lady said get on trams 5 or 11!” says Hanka. Czech directions. After all of the mass transit usage here that I have under my belt, I tell her about the 'X' and the number is the same as the trams, and the gods of mass transit here don’t cross the numbers like that. Imagine that, a stinking American telling a Czech what is up, the nerve!

Anyway, we ride the bus to our stop and walk to the zámek (chateau) where our room is booked. With a bit of searching behind us, we walk up on a handsome 110 year old large stone house (pretty much everything is made from stone or brick here) with a nice rolling, well manicured yard with flowers and bushes that wrap half-way around a couple of nice little ponds. There are stone statues, on a lush green lawn on which a couple of crack whores are sunbathing… [Sound of stylus being ripped across vinyl] …wait a minute, crack whores? What are they doing here? Don’t they usually avoid the sun like vampires? And what are they doing on this nice lawn? Oh well, we shrug off the sight of the whores and look for the entrance to the zámek which is on the back side of the building. We enter the stairwell and ascend to our room, number 300.

The fake wood veneer door to number 300 looks a bit out of place considering the age of the building and is broken and chipped away right by the latch. Damn, the furniture must be really valuable in the room, as someone has obviously tried to break-in, we think to ourselves! We open the door and enter what explains to me instantly the reason for the crack whores. I think that 300 stands for the number of days since the room has been cleaned. This place is a boarding house, for anyone. Ubytovna, in Czech. To label it simply, a shit-hole, or at least most of it.

As with many buildings that were constructed around that time, there is a tower built into one corner of the structure. Our little piece of this shit-hole is in half of this tower. The stairwell is in the other half. This place was found on the internet and suggested to us by a friend of Hanka’s. The price was really cheap, but the pictures that were on the internet, according to her, looked really nice. Good ol’ internet, 97% porn, 1% good information, 2% deception. Guess into which category this place falls.

The semi-circular shaped room is painted a light-powder blue with a paint splashed wood floor and two windows. The paint is of the ‘dusty, come off on to your clothes’ variety, like most of the painted surfaces in this country. The windows are dirty as hell and have finger streaks from the previous ‘crackies’ on them. The paint on them is peeling and moldy and the spaces between the panes of glass are full of spider webs. As a matter of fact, spider webs are the mode of decoration or ‘theme’ of the room as they are everywhere. The furniture consists of a shoddy dresser, two equally shoddy night tables, a table with three chairs and a cheap plastic tablecloth and 3 beds with a pillow and blanket each. There is also a large red plastic tablet (looks like a giant Sudafed) which has stickers on it to make it look like an alien, that when opened becomes a chair complete with soiled padding on which neither Hanka nor I would sit. Ok, the real test, see if the bed sheets are clean. They passed. Whew! We are on a budget and have already paid for the room halfway across the city, so here we will stay. Of course, if we would have been able to preview the place, we probably would have never stayed there.

One really odd thing about the room, aside from everything else, was the amount of electricity running into it. The little room had four 125 cm dual-bulb fluorescent lights that were each wired to their own switch, for setting the right mood when 'smokin’ ‘em rocks' or 'shootin' 'at junk', and a total of fourteen electrical outlets! What in the hell was the purpose of that many outlets in that little space? Since when does the smoking of rocks or shooting of junk demand such a need for electricity? Maybe, during communist times when property was sometimes seized by the state, this place was used for all kinds of covert operations. Yeah, sounds better like that.

So, on to the restroom and shower inspection. Showers, clean. Toilets, basically nasty. One was especially nasty as someone had not quite made it on their hasty last second dash to ‘speak with Ralph on the big white phone’. Puke and paper were everywhere. This one stayed this way until the day we left. Just in time. We found ourselves laughing at what a shit-hole this really was. I likened it to a crack den or perhaps a heroin shanty.

Well, after the inspection, we decided to go on a hike to the top of the local ski area, Ještěd (1012 m, or 3320 and pron. JESH-tyehd), which is named for the mountain on which it sits. On our way out, I see a large ring with a bunch of keys on it just lying on the floor. I look closer, and realize that these are the keys to all of the rooms in the zámek! The housekeeper (if there is such a thing here) has just left them on the floor, unattended. There is no one in sight. After a few minutes of thinking about how messed up this is, to compromise the security of the 'crackies', I decide to take the key to our room off of the ring and put it in my pocket. Nobody is breaking into our room without actually breaking into it! Scary to think that anyone could have had any key that they wanted.

So, anyway, we catch a bus to town and transfer to a tram (a real one) and ride to the ski area. Ještěd is a rather small area in number of runs, but has a large amount of skiable acreage. The area is actually in the middle of a much needed expansion. As we were hiking up the hill, we could see that all of the lifts had been taken down. We wondered if the area would actually be able to open come winter as it is a bit late to be undertaking such projects.

We make it to the top and hang out in the hotel/restaurant/bar/overlook. Cool place. The top of the mountain is marked by a large rocky point that juts out of the top of the otherwise gently sloping mountain. It is on this point that the tower sits. The tower project, once the most significant architectural design of its time, was started in 1965 and finished in 1970. Since about 1848 there has been some kind of lodge on the top of the mountain. Before that people started putting crosses there somewhere around the mid 1700’s. Crosses. People have put them everywhere here. This is strange to me as the society is basically non-religious, yet there are roadside and trailside effigies if christ on the cross everywhere! The tower project was started because the last of the two lodge structures that were there burned down in 1964. The views from here are great when the weather is clear and sunny, as it was that day. You can see Liberec in the valley and the Jizerský and Krkonoše mountains, with Sněžka (the highest point in the country at 1602 m, or 5286 ft) off to the west. To the north, south and east are rolling hills and plains. Also to the north you can see a power plant that is in southern Poland creating pollution for Liberec and the northwestern Czech Republic. The power plant, coupled by the wintertime inversion here creates quite a nasty brown cloud that hangs in the valley and smothers Liberec. Thanks guys! The top of the mountain is the perfect place to see this travesty. It sucks to see a pretty place like this with such bad air.

Another significant historical note about the tower is that it was the sight of the last free radio broadcast by eventual first president of the Czech Republic, Václav (Wenceslas) Havel, and Jiří (George) Třída before the Russian invasion and subsequent occupation of what was then Czechoslovakia. What many might not know is that the Czech’s actually voted the communists into power in the 40’s. They pretty much opened the door and invited them in. As people started to realize that they were being denied freedoms that were their right as humans, unrest started to grow in then Czechoslovakia. It was at that point that the Soviets decided to move in with the military as a show of force and lay the proverbial ‘smack down’ on the people of the country.

So, pictures taken, snacks eaten and rest had, we descend to a saddle in the mountain where sits a lodge with a restaurant. We decide to eat here as the prices at the top are jacked up only for the view, not the quality. We both order the same thing, Segedínský goulash with houskové knedlíky. The goulash is a tasty, non-traditional version that has little if any paprika. The main flavor components seem to be beef and tomato and, of course kmín (caraway), which is in just about every traditional Czech dish. The big difference is that this goulash has kyselý zelí (sauerkraut) in it. Houskové knedlíky are traditional Czech bread dumplings. Knedlíky are also made from potatoes, which is the more traditional version. The only strange thing about the food is the garnish. Aerosol whipped topping. Yeah, fake whipped cream. Sweet too. Hanka calls ‘bullshit’ immediately on this one. I laugh and continue to scarf my food. I don’t know what it is about this country, but I have an INSATIABLE appetite! One thing I must say about this restaurant, the service there was the friendliest we have had in the 8 months we’ve been here. In places where tipping is not a custom, servers have not yet learned the value of good service.

After lunch, we head down the hill to return to our ‘crack closet’. On the way down, I notice a different trail heading off into the woods and suggest we check it out. What this trail turns out to be is one BAD ASS downhill mountain bike trail! Man I was wanting The Mome soooo badly! This thing was SSSSSSTEEEEEP, with all kinds of technical rocky spots and a few BIG drops with huge run-out landings. I was amazed at the aggressiveness of the descent of this trail. If only I had my bike…

We head back to town and to the store for some snacks and then on to the ‘closet’. Walking up on one side of the zámek, Hanka points out that the rooms in the lower portion of the house look nice. After some snooping around, I find that she is right! All of the lower level rooms have been completely redone and look like they are a pleasure to stay in. I think that we were on the wrong side of the building.

Back in the room, we decide to go outside while there is still some light and hang out around the ponds. I step to the restroom and on my way pass a couple of guys hanging out in the common area that is just outside and around the corner from our room. The common area consists of a table complete with ashtray, two chairs and a well soiled sectional couch. Couches. Every place I have been in this country, save one, the couch has sucked. I keep thinking about Rick James kicking mud into Eddie Murphy's couch while screaming 'FUCK YO COUCH NIGGAH, FUCK YO COUCH!' Being a lazy American, I value the quality of a good couch. Aside from a good bed, this is the place you need to put your money. Anyway, one of the guys is lying on this dirty-ass couch in his underwear. Nasty. It looks like he has just come from a shower. The last place I want to be after I shower is on a soiled, shitty couch.

We sit outside and enjoy the last hour of light and reflect on the amusing events of the day. While we are sitting, a cop car races up and around to the back of the zámek. 15 minutes later, it races off again. Great. Must have needed some crack. At dusk, we head back in to take showers and settle in for the night. Standing outside of the zámek, we look up to the tower and notice bats flying around everywhere and realize that this place is like a haunted house. Not like the stupid Halloween sort of haunted house, but the Rod Serling, ‘Night Gallery’ creepy psycho thriller kind of haunted house. After this realization, being in the place seems really creepy. The lighting in the stairwell is really dim, making it hard to see the stairs. The ‘L’ shaped hallways are lit with only one light. The bathrooms are on a motion sensor switch, so they are dark when you enter them. From the bathrooms comes a smell with a slight hint of sewer, of things rotting, maybe people. You can hear people laughing and talking off in the distance, but can’t really tell where they are. The only thing in your face is the loud, hate filled music blaring from the room of the guy that was, after his shower, re-soiling himself on the couch, and the faint stench of old carpet. We enter our room, turn on some fluorescent ‘mood’ lighting, and lock the door. Horror stories begin in places like this, stories in which we do not want a part. Neither of us will go to the bathroom alone, a pact is agreed upon.

After a restless night of sleep because of worrying about the potential horror that could befall us, should we have a good nights sleep, and the fact that after we went to bed the freaks came out of the wood work and partied until the early morning and, oh yeah, the beds sucked, we wake to mixed weather. Plans made, we head to the botanical garden, and then walk around town. Liberec has some really cool old buildings. Not as old as many of the structures in this country, but 110 year old buildings are old nonetheless.

The next morning we wake after a slightly better nights sleep and pack our things to leave. On our way out, I see the ring of keys lying on the floor unwatched again. I did not return our key to the ring, but put it in the lock box with our other key. I wasn’t about to get busted returning the key I took and not be able to explain why I took it in the first place! I also see the housekeeper is preparing to finally clean the restrooms, just in time for our departure.

We bid farewell to the zámek and stop at Babylon, the local water park on our way out of town. People say this is the best water park in the Czech Republic. It’s actually not only a water park, but a multiplex of money absorbing establishments meant to rob the consumer blind. In addition to the overpriced water park, there is an overpriced bowling alley, an overpriced shopping mall, over priced restaurants, overpriced business offices and an overpriced hotel. Mixed reviews here. It is an indoor water park, as they all are here. Given that, you can figure that they are not very big. The fact that they aren’t big and that the weather outside was cold and damp, made Babylon the popular place to be that Monday. People everywhere. Kids running around like wild animals pulling their hair out at the excitement of the day. Adults trying to relax but they are not able, as there is no break from the din of the reverberating sounds of screaming children off of the water and concrete that is everywhere. The place was good for kids, but weak for adults. In the entire place, there was only one hot tub. It was super packed, with a line to get in. Once you got in, it was barely warm because of the constant stream of people getting in and out and the jets that were always running. Hardly relaxing. The only steam room was likewise, only warm. There was a place upstairs where you could pay and extra fee and enter quality steam rooms and saunas, but why? After paying my life savings for admission, why the hell would I pay and extra fee for something that sould be included? After about an hour, we had about as much fun as we could stand. That and my eyes were burning red, signaled our departure from Babylon, and Liberec.

As we are riding home on the bus, and I am sitting enjoying a complimentary cup of the Czech Republics finest powdered tea and thinking about how much my eyes are burning from the chemicals in the water at Babylon, I think of the episode of The Simpsons when they get a pool in the back yard and Homer adds too much chemical sanitizer to the pool. I picture myself as one of the bleached kids screaming and leaving the pool bleached white with burning red eyes.